• I’m sitting on my back porch and listening to the rain, feeling at peace with myself and the world, and I decided, you know what, I’m starti
• Oh, fuck it, I have a Twitter now. Please enjoy.
• Really, I give the whole thing about a month. I’ll get bored, quit it, Facebook, texting. But then I’ll be back. I live in Lonely Town, USA.
• At work.
• At work.
• I’m one hundred percent sure I still don’t get this.
• At work.
• Day off! Mowing the lawn. Feels like work.
• At work.
• Looking for a place to have a good, vegetarian fast food meal. Ultimately settle on a large fry and Coke.
• At work.
• At work.
• Saw a rainbow (on a billboard)!
• Going drinking. Fox. Or Peephole. Can’t even tell the difference anymore.
• @randomwaitress A few beers in, and you know what, I’m pretty sure I love you. A few more, and I’m gonna ask you for your hand in marriage.
• @chairiwassittingonbutnowamusingtostandonandproclaimmylove to @randomwaitress I think you’re good to me, chair. I love you too. More even.
• Guess what happened to me this morning! Woke up with a chair in my bed. How weird is that? Some things can never be explained.
• At work. Hungover like death.
• Customers came to see movies. Day ruined. Gonna hide in the office. With the lights out.
• Employees trying to talk to me. I hate them. Remembered that I hired them. Reconsidering hatred. Downgraded to strong dislike. Head-ache.
• Gonna go drinking again. Hair of the dog and all of that.
• @Shaq I feel like I really know you now! Twittering celebrities are just like normal people!
• I miss Bob. I wonder how he’s doing. I should probably just ask.
• You might’ve noticed I haven’t mentioned my pot smoking. I don’t want anyone to think I have a problem.
• At the mall buying pants. First person to touch me wins movie passes I stole from job. Caveat: gotta be in the dressing room at the time.
• @annehathaway I loved you in Havoc and Brokeback Mountain! Welcome to Twitter!
• At work.
• Not at work. Nah, just kidding. Working. Six out of seven days a week is gonna be the death of me.
• Can’t find my collar stays for my dress shirt. Isn’t that interesting?
• I had something I wanted to tweet, but now I can’t remember. Don’t you hate that?
• Gonna watch Funny People after work. Pretty excited. Love me some Judd Apatow.
• I’m sad that Melissa’s moved away. But her room makes a great place for the exercise bike. If/when she comes home, it’ll smell like sweat.
• @everyone No, smoking weed isn’t the cause of my crappy memory. They’ve done studies proving that pot doesn’t affect, oh, what’s it called?
• Tinted my icon green in support of Iran. Sure all those protesters getting killed will be really thankful. Nobel Peace Prize what what!
• Gonna blog now. Should I be maudlin, funny, or just plain abstruse? Decided on all three. At once. That’s talent.
• Maybe not so talented. Was none of the above. Gonna take a month off, come back, write a bunch, then quit again.
• Success is ninety percent perspiration? I’m fucked.
• Beautiful weather today. I love the sound of rain on our aluminum porch.
• Watching SportsCenter, should be blogging or something productive.
• This probably isn’t the ideal forum for this, but it’s been weighing on me pretty heavily, so I figured I’d give it a shot. For awhile now,
• I’ve been thinking about this whole Twitter thing, what it means—whether it really has any meaning at all to begin with. Really now, chance
• s are I’m just making a mountain out of a mole hill, but I think about how even the people I’m closest to—I just miss them all the time. I t
• hink about the conversations I used to have with Carrie in her basement, dreaming about our lives. I remember being in Ann’s dorm room, try
• ing to make sense of this river of transition in our lives we had to cross, and God, a few years later, it seems more like an ocean now. I’m
• not any closer to knowing what comes next, but more than that, I haven’t had anyone I could just sit down and share that with. Or have some
• one open up to me in the same way. I mean, I know I can’t blame any of that on Twitter, but it sure seems like we’re getting worse at commun
• icating. What does this mean for literature? Poetry? Are we letting our language decline? That’s all silly stuff to worry about. I guess, re
• ally, all I’ve been wanting to say, if you talk, I’ll listen. My ears are empty. And if not, I guess I understand. Just know I keep you on m
• y mind, and if I said prayers, you’d be in ‘em. For now though, this’ll have to suffice. Please just remember I have arms for you, and I’m t
• here if you want me to be. I’ll try and be open too, depend on you the way I’d like to be depended on. It’s only fair.
• God, I love sports. Wish there was something on other than golf and baseball right now.
• Listening to The National. At work. Loudly. I’m Mr. November!
• @Raj You’re old. And play a lot of Warcraft. Gotcha!

Three months later:

• Taking a big ol’ celery shit right now. Really. At work. Second stall. On my BlackBerry. Lord, this is inane. I quit. Wakka wakka wakka 140.
• Fun fact: I actually signed up for Twitter to help me count characters. I regret it already.